I know I keep saying this

I said all I've had to say to Sarah for this lastest incident. I know I've said this before, but then she did something else. I'm not consistently bringing up an old issue. and now that I've called her out to trying to provoke me into doing something more serious, and all of my friends have blocked and needed her, she has no audience. Jeremy, too. I also blocked them.

It's time to actually, for we move on from this. I should get a job so I have something else to do and think about. I've been suspended from couchsurfing with no end in sight, because they got themselves into a lot of trouble by locking people out of their accounts. Be welcome was unwelcoming as far as the staff is concerned. The community was fine for the most part, but the staff didn't much care for me or my ideas and contributions. I'm not trying to commit to another online community after those two heartbreaks.

Text banking only gets so far because it's not much to do. I obviously don't mind volunteering, but I'm down to my last few dollars and I shouldn't spend all my money while money still has value. That won't come to an end fast enough. 

A friend from my hometown recently died from cancer, and I guess I didn't totally process the grief until today's therapy session. I never disassociated from Betty's death, but when Susan told me that Betty has already been cremated and her funeral is tomorrow, I had a lump of feelings. Betty's death, on top of what's been going on for the past few months... Betty lived a full life, and it's better to not live with the pain of cancer. That's nothing to be sad about, but it's everything on top of everything that made me break down today.

But hours later, I know I definitely needed to. after a long talk with my friend about a variety of things had a short chat with a new housemate, I was emotionally and mentally exhausted and took a nap. All of that frustration and sadness just wanted to come out. It's like I was sitting on anger and thankfulness at the same time, because I am thankful for my situation that I'm safe. But I really needed to embrace sadness and being tired. 

I say I'm fine but I'm not. I'm really sad angry and confused, like a lot of people, and I'm handling it the best way I can. there's also no such thing as getting over a situation well you're still in it. I still have to deal with Sarah and Jeremy while I still live here. Sarah's made it clear she's not interested in practicing any kind of civility or sympathy. I'm not going to let her ignorance and hatred be my discomfort anymore. I'm going to sit and lay all over this house as I please because now I'm paying for it. She can continue to run away. That's not my problem. I'm not going to let my feelings be hurt by such a terrible person anymore. I don't want anyone like her to like me, but she's going to have to deal with me like I have to deal with her.

I want to go on a night bike ride and think about what I'm going to wear to Betty's funeral tomorrow...