Iowa in a month

leaving is starting to close in on me. But there are a lot of things that are shutting down around me in terms of relationships and places where I'm welcome. it's better to leave and start over, and I'm not going to fight it. This is the first time in a long time I'll be leaving going somewhere with some money in my pocket. 

I'm suddenly remember when my forsaken paternal unit put me on the Greyhound with $100 when I was a teenager. this is far from the same thing, but at 31 getting a ride to a place to start over with a bike and a few hundred dollars I'm doing way better than I did back then. 

for all the shit I have to talk about this place and for all the evil people that I've met up here, I've met very great and generous people. and even though a lot of people weren't so great, I've spent a lot of my time living here for free. but I obviously didn't learn my lesson. Once again I'm going down to a place where I don't know anyone in starting over, and trying my luck. You can't always get what you want, but you get what you need. And I needed to end my suicide-ness somewhere. It could have been anywhere, but I'm glad it was here.

and it's not just the passive aggressiveness in the winter is driving me away. It said I don't feel like I can trust most people here, some of it having to do with the passive aggressiveness, but some of it doing with something more Insidious. People here can manipulate time and attention. They will lie to you to make you go away, or they will lie to you to keep you around. 

In my experience, while I was job searching some months ago I have had people tell me that their job openings and they can get me into a position, and of course I continue to give them attention to keep up with what's going on. But of course the truth would come out that they had no influence, and I would be pissed off about wasting my time with them.

And I've been too many places where I'm at with my white friends, and I get overlooked. But coincidentally, I've been the one in charge of paying the bill and/ or giving the extra at the end, and I always leave a review. but I get tired of leaving reviews saying that the servers paid more attention to my white (passing) friends and they did me, so it's best I support someone else's local economy. For the record, when I go to an establishment run by people of color I do feel like I'm being treated properly. It's unfortunate that such establishments are far and few here. And then some of them don't know how to act in other ways. But, if I can ask some of these businesses for not being respectful towards people of color so other people know what to avoid, it's partially worth it. but the other part of it is that I would like to go out and be treated as a priority, like my white (passing) peers.

and their biggest flaw is that they can't take criticism. A lot of people here see criticism as a threat of anger and escalation. There are some people that don't know how to give criticism or file a complaint, but I'm one of the many that do. But on multiple occasions I've been treated as some sort of unruly Force for giving criticism or a complaint. I found myself having to practice things with "I'm not angry. This needs to be said", because people don't understand that you can complain without being angry. and sometimes that doesn't even work, because the mere fact that you said something means you're a threat. It doesn't matter what you say or how you said it. I've been counted too many people trying to deescalate and non-existent problem just because I said something, but they feel like I need the escalation. and I feel like that undermines situations where there's actually a problem and I or others are actually angry.

there are no community figures here that are people of color, but they will elect people of color into public office. or maybe more accurately, the people of color communities don't get as much notoriety. But honestly, I would like both. Strong people of color community figures and people of color elected into office.

I've met so many people that aren't too invested in being stuck in their habits, you know their habits may be hurting them. People that don't want to leave messy relationships. People that can't accept that things have changed. but it's something that I've observed in our society. People don't like the conundrum of the possibility that feelings can and probably will change over time. And they'll try to hold on to the same situation that they previously had even though the base factors have mutated.

there are a lot of great people here, but there are a lot of sad people here. people that are invested in their own suffering and it rubs off into others. It's sad. I'm leaving.