I'm not suicidal anymore

At first, I didn't really know what to do. Much soul-searching is required...

I will say a huge amount of the journey was changing my perspective on death and All possibilities of an afterlife, or nothing at All. but I went through a lot of spiritual things over my time in Minneapolis, and I can't say whether or not I would have had the same experiences if I had gone somewhere else or if I had left you earlier, but I can say that these experiences happened here, and there's no doubt that they helped me get to where I am now.

I'm looking forward to the rest of my life without that music playing in the background. Now it's quiet. Now I don't need to fill myself with things to distract myself from the sound. I've started leaving my smartphone at home, so the internet and all of its judgments and the Google overlords and tracking aren't following me around. I feel untethered and liberated, while having my government phone on me in case I need to call someone. I would never want to go out without a way of contacting people in case of emergency. But a limited few have that number, so it's quiet.

One of my friends said "there's a lot to be said for a mind at ease", and that hit me in a very profound way. Sometimes I feel like I have left to say or that I'm at a loss of words because this feeling is so new. anything can be a lot because it's coming from a different place, what I'm going to say for myself is a better place. 

I've already started decluttering. Leaving the phone at home is 1 of many things. dialing down negative internet interactions is also a huge thing, because I fed off that for a long time. I find that it's a lot easier to put down than I ever would have thought once I picked it up. Most of it is just leaving it at home. I'm not going to be pretentious and talk about meditation and stuff like that. Not that I don't believe in meditation, it's just you can read any article or blog about mental health that's already glorifying meditation, and I want my content to be different. I do meditate, but not that much.

My goal is to make myself less busy. I came across an article about it and really only read the title, for the sake of the idea. The only Michael was more about someone's personal experience, and I don't really care about that. I care about taking in the idea of making myself less busy. It took a deconstruction of what busy means, it doesn't necessarily me busy body but it can also mean very busy minded. Whatever I can do to put up a distraction. That also connects to my phone a lot. My feeling like I need to respond to everything, or that I need to send an email or text message. I need to distract myself with games and music. not just a distraction from myself and my own inner thoughts but also interaction with other people. I'm very personable and social, regardless, but trying to communicate to people through headphones is a little bit more difficult.

full disclosure, I would rather have a separate device to listen to music, so I can leave the phone at home to still be untethered, but still listen to music because I enjoyed listening to music. I wonder if anyone still sells MP3 players. my issue is more with the internet, then being able to listen to music or send or receive phone calls and text messages. 

I'm going to look into other ways to regulate internet usage and still have my phone on me though, because I'm about to move, and I need it more as I'm getting to know new areas. Obviously, that's mostly Maps, but a lot of different things on the internet and apps have added social aspect, so everything is always subject other people's opinions. That's the thing that I want to get away from. I know just by being on public I'm subjected to a certain degree of opinion, just because people react to everything in their environment, but it's obviously not the same as being subjected to internet opinion every waking moment. 

I need functional applications in devices that aren't connected to people's opinions. Google Maps, I don't want to know what route most people take to get to my local grocery store. I don't want a live feed of how busy it is, without asking. I don't always want to know what the most popular whatever is in town. I like to be selectively, consciously, and consensual we informed about things instead of opinions just being thrown in my face all the time. News articles don't need comment sections. Everyone who has a comment section on a video should be monitoring it and keeping certain people out, especially people who keep complaining about people that they don't like. I guess, ultimately what I'm saying is I'm sick of being tracked and I'm sick of comment sections. They don't help with any overall human interaction, that's for damn sure!